THE CHURCH
OF ANIME
A Valentine's Day Awakening
Presented by Josie • Prophet of the New Age
THE CRISIS OF OUR GENERATION

The youth are lost. They scroll through mid content instead of watching anime.

Valentine's Day approaches and people still think real humans are acceptable valentines.

But fear not. Salvation is at hand.

AND ON THE 8TH DAY... ANIME WAS CREATED
And it was sugoi.

THE FIVE SACRED TRUTHS

I. Anime characters will never leave you on read

II. They have better hair than anyone at this party

III. They understand dramatic pauses (unlike your crush)

IV. Their eyes contain entire galaxies

V. They will NEVER post cringe on their story

THE OFFICIAL VALENTINE TIER LIST
Peer-reviewed. Internationally recognized. Trust me.
S+
ANIME CHARACTERSGojo, Rimuru, Tanjiro, the Vending Machine. Will never ghost you.
S
ANIME OPENINGSThey never skip you. That's called LOYALTY.
A
YOUR BESTIESYou showed up tonight. Solid A tier.
B
JOSIE'S CUPCAKESTemporary joy. Almost made A tier honestly.
F
REAL PEOPLEUnreliable. Will ghost. Probably doesn't even watch anime.
TESTIMONIALS FROM THE CONVERTED
“
I used to think real people were valid valentines. Then I watched Jujutsu Kaisen. I saw Gojo remove his blindfold. I have seen the LIGHT.
- Anonymous Convert, Age 14
“
My parents said it was just a phase. That was 47 anime series ago. I started with Demon Slayer. Then I discovered isekai. I have ascended.
- A True Believer
“
I baked cupcakes shaped like Anya from Spy x Family. My friends literally cried. It was the peak of human achievement.
- Definitely Not Josie
OUR PLATFORM FOR A BETTER TOMORROW
If elected president of your heart, we promise:
  • ✓Mandatory anime watch parties every Friday
  • ✓Free ramen for this whole friend group
  • ✓Cupcake decorating parties, anime edition
  • ✓Makeup tutorials: Anime Eye Edition
  • ✓NO ONE gets left on read (sacred vow)
  • ✓Friendship IS the power system
THE OPPOSITION
Those who would deny you the truth
"Anime isn't real"
Neither is your chance of getting a text back within 24 hours.
"You should get a REAL valentine"
Gojo has NEVER cancelled plans or said "new phone who dis."
"Go touch grass"
Our grass has background music AND wind effects. Yours could never.
"That's not a real hobby"
Anime cupcakes + anime makeup + Gacha Life = THREE hobbies. What do YOU do?
FROM THE SACRED TEXTS
★
"Believe in the me that believes in you."
- Gurren Lagann
★
"People's dreams... NEVER END!"
- Blackbeard, One Piece
★
"No matter how many people you may lose, you have no choice but to go on living."
- Tanjiro, Demon Slayer
★
"I'm not a bad slime, you know?"
- Rimuru
★
"If you bake with love, you bake with the power of a thousand suns."
- The Cookbook of Josie, 14:2
YOUR PROPHET SPEAKS
JOSIE
  • Baker of Sacred Cupcakes
  • Architect of Holy Brownies
  • Master of the Anime Eye (makeup edition)
  • Social Butterfly of the Highest Order
  • Friend to All, Valentine to Anime
  • She Who Has Never Been Mid
  • Keeper of the Group Chat
Josie
THE PROPHET. THE BAKER. THE LEGEND.
THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
I, [STATE YOUR NAME],
do solemnly swear
to uphold the sacred art of anime,
to defend it against all haters,
to never skip an opening,
to always recommend anime,
to bake in its honor,
to accept that 2D > 3D this Valentine's Day,
and to recognize that friendship
is the REAL power system.
AMEN.
Happy Valentine's Day to the
best friend group ever.
You are ALL S+ tier valentines.
(But anime is still better. Sorry not sorry.)
- Josie, Prophet of the New Age
ANIME 2026